I've been trying to write a post for over a week now. I started writing a couple of times earlier this week, only to delete all of them while I was still writing. I've been trying to get away from the personal, Dianna focused posts and write one of a less selfish focus, but that's not what I need to do right now. You can stop reading now if you would like.
I went back to Alabaster for the first time in months on Friday. I did not go home for a birthday dinner, for a "get away," or even to spend time with my parents and Leah. I went home to see Pawpaw. I did have an awesome birthday dinner with my family, including my grandparents on the other side of the family, but that's not the focus.
I left Alabaster on Saturday afternoon after spending the morning with my mom. My time spent with Pawpaw was brief; he was not feeling well at all and could barely stay awake. So I went back to Auburn and spent Saturday night trying to take my mind off of life back in Alabaster.
I woke up on Sunday, my birthday, to a picture message from Leah. Apparently, Pawpaw woke up that morning and wrote messages to most of the family. In the picture, he wrote a message on a dry-erase board to me and Leah. It was short, sweet, and exactly what I needed to hear. That's how Pawpaw always was though.
So I've spent this week trying to come to terms with whatever it is that I'm feeling. On one hand, I'm thankful to be in Auburn, surrounded by amazing friends who love on me everyday. My family has assured me that it's fine that I'm here, that there's nothing to feel guilty about. But I do feel guilty. I've missed the last few months of Pawpaw's life worrying about tests, papers, work, and my social life. I know that that is exactly what he would want for me, but I can't shake this feeling.
I am, however, completely at peace knowing where Pawpaw will be when his life does end. I don't want him to hurt anymore. It is the best thing for him to leave this world and go into the arms of Jesus. Cancer never wins when someone goes to meet Jesus. It won't win with Pawpaw, just like it didn't win when Carson died.
I've come to terms with the idea that I'm completely okay with it if Jesus decides to take him right now. As much as I would like for him to still be here come Thanksgiving break so I can steal a few more days with him, I want him to not hurt anymore even more than I selfishly want him here.
So that's where I am. My family is currently in a stage of waiting. Hospice has set no time frame, but we don't predict him to be with us much longer.
God will take him when it's time. I have no doubt about this.
"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we lie or whether we die, we are the Lord's."