Starting Over

Today, I woke up and my whole body was incredibly sore. The reason: I exercised yesterday for the first time in well over a year. Between my injured finger and my diagnosis of Graves' disease, I have not been able to exercise at all.

A week ago, I was told that my TSH levels were back to normal over 6 months after my diagnosis. This news comes along with doctor's permission to do physical activity. 

So yesterday, I went on a jog with some friends. Obviously they all easily outran me, but I was extremely proud of myself despite how difficult it was.

It's going to be a long journey, but I'm so thankful to be back. Thank you to all of my friends and family who have supported and prayed for me throughout this time, especially my parents and Brendan. 

Though God presented me with a challenge I was honestly afraid I would not overcome, I am now standing on the other side and I am thankful for this lesson. I am asking for prayer as I continue to try to get back into shape and become healthy once again.

The Casual Authenticity

Over Christmas break, I read JK Rowling's other book, "The Casual Vacancy." It sat on my bookshelf for months begging to be read, but because it was 500 pages, I did not attempt to read it during school.

I enjoyed it. It is NOT a kid's book at all. The content and language is very strong, but JK worked her magic and made me attached to numerous characters and painted a vivid picture of each character and their true personalities. This is no easy feat with over 20 characters who are all intertwined. It took me a bit to get into it because of all the characters, but I still recommend this book to adults...not kids.

Anyway, the book bothered me. This happens a lot when I read or watch movies. I escape from my own life and live in the character's, which, more often than not, plunges me into a life I don't want to experience for a short time, much less live.

In "The Casual Vacancy," the small town in which the book takes place seems to rotate around nothing but appearances. Every single character in the book cares more about what the other characters think of them than their own families or livelihood; the exception to this are the teenagers, the drug and alcohol addicted, and the mourning widow. The idea alone that youth, sorrow, and addiction brings realty is fascinating to me.

One character, a teenager named "Fats" Wall, spends the entire book pondering the idea of authenticity.  He wants to break from the charade put on in his community, school, and household. His idea of being authentic involves posting his family's secrets for the internet to see, purposely taking advantage of a girl from horrible circumstances for sex, and backstabbing his best friend. To him, doing what you want whenever you feel like it is what authenticity is. In the end of the book, he has completely isolated himself from everyone he cares about and he is anything but happy about it.

~

What makes true authenticity? I feel what Fats felt in my life all the time. I feel the apparent "show" people put on for one another. I do it myself.

It has been especially hard for me recently to hold back how I feel about certain situations and people, even though I know that it's not proper for me to be this brand of "authentic." Does authenticity even mean complete honesty?

According to Merriam-Webster....



au·then·tic

a : worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact <paints an authentic picture of our society>

b : conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features <an authentic reproduction of a colonial farmhouse>

c : made or done the same way as an original <authentic Mexican fare>



As Christians, authenticity seems to mean "conforming to an original," who is Christ Jesus. We are to be like Christ...which is the hardest thing for man to grasp ever. Regardless, looking up this simple definition that Fats Wall brought to my attention has helped me better deal with my ideas on being authentic in my life. 




"Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ."   -1 Corinthians 11:1

God is Big, Good, Faithful.

I haven't written in a long time. I've been trying to write a post for the last few weeks, but nothing I've typed has seemed worth writing about. Even thought I know what I want to write about, I guess I've been lacking inspiration to write about it.


Yesterday, Brendan and I went to Church of the Highlands Riverchase. Brendan hurt his ankle, so we only decided at the last minute to actually make the trip as opposed to simply watching it online.

The first song played was "Emmanuel," which is a Highland's original song. I love the whole song (and the whole CD), but the first few lines stuck with me.

"Mountains bow,
Storms back down,
At the mention of Your Name."

~

I have been stuck in a pit for months now. I've been sick for several months and I've been formally diagnosed and treated for Graves' disease (if you don't know what it is, google it or ask me. I had no clue what it was until my diagnosis). Not one to be patient, I expected my treatment to work almost instantly. After several complications, I went back to the doctor to find out that it will be a few more months until I start to feel healthy again.

This news was devastating to me. I started to think about all the things I wouldn't be able to do again this semester. I thought about how difficult it will be to keep up with school, work, and clinic duties. I thought about how I wouldn't have to energy to have a social life again this semester. I threw myself further into the pit and felt truly defeated by Graves'.

~

Then I was reminded: mountains bow and storms back down at the simple mention of God's name. Our Savior can move the mountains. He can raise a dead man. He can give a blind man sight.

God can most definitely conquer Graves' disease.

The sermon in church today was simple: God is big, God is good, God is faithful. We read through Psalm 23, which happens to be the only chapter in the Bible I have memorized. I've had the hope I've needed in my brain this entire time, I've just been so consumed with my sickness that I forgot Psalm 23 and God's power. He's my shepherd, He restores my soul.

I ask from you, my friends, to pray. I hate asking for prayer for myself, but I know that I need it. I know that it works and that prayer and faith can get me through these next few months. God is bigger than doctors and medicine. God is bigger than me and my pit of sickness.


God is big, God is good, God is faithful.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhbRJBwrlww



PSALM 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

The Changing of Passion.

This semester, I'm taking music appreciation. The class is something like 75% freshmen. I should have taken it as an underclassman like a normal person, but alas. Penalty for doing my years out of order I guess. 

Anyway, music appreciation classes require concert attendance. My particular class requires us to attend three concerts from faculty members at the university. I have attended to two of those three concerts so far.

I was at the first concert sitting between Brendan and a friend from my freshman year who is a music minor and in the AUMB, which was oddly metaphorical for the two lives I felt like I've lived in Auburn. The concert started and the music absorbed me. 

I haven't touched my saxophone in something like 18 months. I'm concerned I won't remember how to play much less be able to because of my finger. As I sat there in the concert, I contemplated my long lost love for music.

In high school, music and my band was my passion. It was what I looked forward to everyday. Somewhere along the way, I lost that passion and that desire for music. 

Can you really be passionate about something if it one days just disappears?  I'm not sure, but I do know that despite losing my music, I am not passionless. 

~

I am as busy as I have ever been this semester. If I'm not in class, at work, or studying, I am observing in clinic. I miss having a life, but this is the life of CMDS seniors, apparently. 

As much as I wish I had time to breathe and relax, I love what I'm doing. Everyday, I learn something new about what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. 

I am passionate about my major and my future career. The way I once felt about playing my saxophone is what I now feel when I'm thinking about therapy appointments or practicing skills for my clinical audiology class. As graduate school approaches and as my decision between speech and hearing becomes more clear, I get more nervous but more excited everyday.

Most people aren't lucky enough to say that they love their major and I am very blesses to be one of the few. 

~

Even though I may not love music as I once did, I asked my mom to bring my saxophone down to Auburn. It is currently in my apartment and ready to be played. We'll see how it goes. 

A Finger-Related Update

Because I get asked "how's your finger?" so often...

Today, I went back to my occupational therapist in Birmingham (in 2 weeks, it will mark 6 months since my injury).
I went to her before heading back to Auburn in June after I got back from Student Life and she gave a list of instructions for my physical therapist in Auburn (my PT rarely dealt with fingers while my OT is a hand specialist). I brought her instructions to him in Auburn only to be released from PT that same day. Feeling very frustrated and defeated, I decided to try to forget about the finger for a while.

Keep in mind, this was 4 1/2 months into my injury and involved 4 doctors, 2 therapists, something like 8 splints/casts/braces, and no answers to questions besides, "this is a bad injury and fingers take a while to heal...just be patient."

So, I decided to ignore the finger. You would be surprised how hard it is to do things normally with one finger out of service. After a putt putt debacle and some trouble packing and moving, I gave up and admitted defeat. I called my OT back and scheduled the appointment for today.

Long story short, I finally got some answers:

-The joint where my finger was dislocated will be as large as it is 6-8 months after my injury for the rest of my life (meaning how it looks in 2-10 weeks).
-My ring size (because this is my wedding ring finger) will obviously go up and will more than likely not change from the size it is 8 months after my injury.
-I may not ever be able to make a fist, but I'll come somewhat close to one.
-I will more than likely have a small curve to my finger for the rest of my life.
-When I reach the year mark since my injury (February), my finger will probably have healed as much as it's going to.

They did tell me that because I am young, there's always a chance I'll improve past what they predicted.


I'm so thankful to have received guidance with this issue. Even though it's still a little sad, I'm just glad to know where I stand with this whole thing.

The most encouraging bit of news I got today is that I have gone from bending the finger 65 degrees to 90 degrees in a little over 5 weeks. So, I'm not done yet. Let's see how much more progress I can make in the next few months...

Church Isn't a Building.

I have recently had a struggle I have been fighting for 3 years now come back to the surface. It's hard for me to admit, but I struggle with church.
I've been in church since I was a few weeks old. My family moved churches a few times while I was growing up, so I've experienced different types of churches over the years (admittedly, most of these churches were baptist). I grew up in Sunday school and VBS. I did GA's and Awana's. I've been to DNow, Crosspoint, beach retreats, Student Life Tour, Student Life Camps, spring break mission trips, weekend missions, volunteer centers, middle school retreats, high school retreats, and now BCM retreats/missions/etc.
Why is it that I still feel so unsure about the church at times? I love the place. I grew up there.

I came to college after having my heart broken by my home church. I was determined to recover from the leftover hurt and the orphan feeling of no longer having a church home. I visited around to many different churches in Auburn, including a few that felt far too much like the church I was no longer a part of. Even into my sophomore year, I still visited different churches with different friends, but in the end, I always came back to Church of the Highlands.
Highlands is a non-denominational branch church based out of Birmingham that just so happens to have a location in Auburn and one close to Alabaster. It is extremely different than churches I have attended in the past.

This church is exactly the change I needed from what I grew up thinking church looked like. Last Sunday, I looked around during church and saw an elderly couple together; the woman had her hands raised in worship, while the man sat. They were next to a group of college student on one side and an Asian family on the other. The members of Highlands come from all ages, ethnicities, and denominations---I love it. That it what heaven will be like, after all.

I am guilty of this too, both in the past and the present, but I am calling for us to come together as the global church. We should not be arguing over what we like and don't like about a certain denomination or church. We should be fulfilling what God intended for the church. And, under NO circumstances should the church be hurting it's members.

Church is a body of believers, not a building. Coming to this realization was how I changed my perspective on church.  I have a great church here in Auburn and I'm excited to watch the Body of Christ grow in the coming years, both near and far from me, wherever God places me.



41 So those who accepted his message were baptized, and that day about three thousand people were added. 42 They were devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Reverential awe came over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles. 44 All who believed were together and held everything in common, 45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, 47 praising God and having the good will of all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.
                                                                               -Acts 2:41-47

A Secular Calling

Ever since I was in middle school, I've had these moments of feeling somewhat inferior in my faith. I went through middle and high school watching friends and strangers alike stand up and tell audiences that they had been called to ministry. There was a point in my youth group years when I felt like the only person in my group of friends without a calling.
Even now, I constantly meet Christians my age who are attending/plan on attending seminary or are being called overseas as full time missionaries.
I have never for a second felt called to pursue either one of these paths. I have always wanted to get married, start a family, have a good career, and live in Alabama (so I'm not far from my family). Since I have only recently figured out what I'm going to do "when I grow up," those plans have only become more detailed and more real. I kept wondering, why don't I have a calling?

It took only 15 minutes worth of preaching on Daniel 1 to show me that I do in fact have a calling.
Daniel chapter 1 tells of Daniel's training in Babylon and how in choosing not to "defile himself"(v.8) with the king's luxuries, he was "ten times better" in "every matter of wisdom and understanding" (v. 20).
In was pointed out that Daniel was in a secular field. In fact, most biblical characters that come to mind were in secular fields of work.

I am not discrediting anyone who is called into ministry or mission work, that is just not my path. I feel so reassured in knowing that I can do God's work in my future secular career field and in my current job as a part time tutor and full time student. 






"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
                                             -Colossians 3:17